Below are the 25 most recent journal entries.

	2001.12.31  17.20 how do i know what to think were to begin to live my life without him he is my heart he is me every time i breathe laugh cry i see him smiling at me is this a dream will i ever find the one i love i cant deal with this heart break it overpowers me i feel as if im falling to the center of the earth and there is no return no beginning either my heart is torn there is nothing left to say maybe some day ill find the love that i need oh god do i pray for that day when i will be happy obviously its not now cuz my life feels like its ending im so sick of pretending i dont know were to start to live my life with oout him he is my everything he is me he lives inside of me its almost as if whenever i am around him he makes me feel all the feelings ive never experienced i have never felt so strongly for some one and then to know that i am just getting my heart broken it feels as if i am a waste and i am not worth the pain and strife i feel like i am not worth it :( Mood: aggravated Music: none

	2001.12.26  21.47 well hey now i guess my life couldnt be anymore shittier :( how can some one say they feel a certain way and then totally do something different i mean what the fuck!! the evil man clan represent up in the hizouse lol well i guess ill hit this shit back later maybe after i talk to my scum fucking bag of a boyfriend cant even call me what the fuck fuck him he can go choke on a dildo!! Mood: enraged Music: dropkick murphys barroom hero

	2001.12.26  10.54 well hmmm..."i dont know were to start to live my life without you" all i know is whenever i close my eyes i see him smiling at me and i wonder..........is this a dream????? i want it to be a dream in a way but at the same time i have never felt so good about myself whenever he is around me!! my heart feels so torn :( Mood: discontent Music: jimmy eat world

	2001.12.25  18.41 i feel so torn hahah i am so mad my own boyfriend doesnt even call me on christmas never the less come to see me :( what the hell am i supposed to think you know i dont know how to feel anymore its like i really really really like him but then he does this i mean i know he needs his own personal space but still he doesnt have time for me thats not cool! i talked to him yesterday and said happy birthday but i guess he still has to give me an attitude ok hes cool!! i mean seriously does he get off on making me feel like shit bc thats what he is doin its christmas no call nothing i mean i wouldve been so happy to just hear hi how are you merry christmas but i guess thats not happening whatever its not worth getting all excited over i just hope he calls me tomorrow i really want to talk to him i like him so much but i just dont think he feels the same way :( i want to talk to him but he is at jakes house getting drunk big surprise but whatever i dont care Mood: cynical Music: operation ivy

	2001.12.25  11.29 merry mothafuckin christmas all you scum bags lol :) Mood: amused Music: none

	2001.12.24  11.10 merry fuckin christmas well today is the 24th of december merryyy christmas eve day :) today is fuzz's birthday and i doubt i willl see him at all today since he is prollly just goin to chill with his friends or sutum like that but i dont care as long as i get to see him some time with in this week hehe i probably wont he is so hard to find lol :) well im out i gotta go take a shower i stink like whoa!!!! so peace and chicken grease :) :) :) Mood: awake Music: bad religion -i want to conquer the world

	2001.12.21  22.26 ok why are men so evil all i wanna do is him and he is acting all anal fuckin asshole what the fuck i swear im about to bug out on him lol whatever he acts like he doesnt want to!! i dont care i do hes making me really mad!!! aaaaarrrrrrggggghhhhhhhhh!! Mood: energetic Music: the get up kids-10minutes

	2001.12.19  20.04 i dont know were to start.......all i know is that i dont know i dont know if i want to be with fuzz anymore i dont know if i like him how i thought i did i mean he is totally awesome and sweet and totally hott but i think we jumped into this whole relationship thingy a bit too fast i think we shouldve waited a litl bit longer to get to know each other but last night was wierd i dont know what to think hes like a littl monkey all jumping around in a foam pit at teales gym it was fun i was soooooooo scared of the thing tho i thought i was goin to sink into it and get caught in it and drown i was like ahhhh!!! i just kinda sat there like ok weirdo's i kinda felt like teale was kinda tryin to mack it to fuzz i didnt know what to do i dont know what to think anymore i guess ill just stay with him a litl longer to see how it all turns out you know well till then im outy belly button style!!lol Mood: weird Music: incubus-nice to know you ***

	2001.12.18  11.28 why do ppl talk shit its so fucked up!!! i hate ppl they are gay PEOPLE=SHIT! im so bored i think im goin to break something for the pure amusement ahhhh!!!!! i have like 1 week to go xmas shopping and i havnt even started damn the mall i hate that hell hole!! all these freaky looking shoppers running around with all there money and spending it all on abnoxious litl brats who dont deserve anything they get i hate people and last night i guess jay had to go start shit whatever i mean seriously im finally like a litl bit happy and he has to go say all this shit about my bf fuck that fuck that its bull shit i dont care what he thinks he is so sweet!!! :) Mood: indescribable Music: operation ivy - healthy body

	2001.12.17  13.18 **best weekend of my life** well it all started on friday i was bored as hell and fuzz called me from work i thought he was in rehab but he didnt go that bastard so he came over and we chilled for a litl bit you know whatever i had summer go pick him up and drop him off or whatever and then on saturday we kinda got in this fight i dont know why maybe im a schiz or sutum lol but yea so he got a ride from his dad and came over and we split a pill we were just chillin havin fun and then we went to go drop matt off at work with teale and scummer and we searched for another pill so we could actually rolll well we found one after like an hour and we ate it blah blah blah i was rollin sooooooooo hard and we did "it" omigod it was never ever sooooooo ggooooooodddd holy shit man well yea thats pretty much all my weekend consisted of and wow it was so wierd jon lewis,big homer,litl homer,and slack came over and they had some beer so i let them in you know whatever and well fuzz is so stupid when he drinks and well i had to kick them out they were acting retarded and loud i felt bad cuz i love homer he is so cooollll well slack was bein an asshole as usual but whtever and jon kept tryin to mack it to me i was hopin fuzz would say sutum to him but he didnt so whatever well i kicked them out and me fuzzz and summ chilled for a while fran was being a bitch as always no big surprise well i me and fuzz laid down on summs bed and we talked for a while and now we have a "title" i guess well whatever i dont care but he snores heheheh and when we sleep he tangles himself around me so i had to free myself from his trap lol so i climbed into bed with summer wow it was wierd she was still awake at 5 in the morn i just couldnt sleep but we were just layin there talkin and all of a sudden fuzz gets up ok scary he sleep walks and well summ is sittin there tellin me bout how there was this reall life movie bout a sleep walker who kills his gf and there whole family so im like ahhhh!!! summer he is goin to kill me he really scared me alot well thats about it on sunday we jsut did what we do best :) lol so ill hit this shit back lata!!! <3jsl<3 Mood: bouncy Music: the bouncing souls

	2001.12.13  23.16 ***Far Away Imagine you here Grasping out for you Wishing upon a star That you were here I call for you But you do not hear me Feeling so very blue Your so far away With you I want to stay Will there ever be a day That I could hold you near Just to look into your eyes Will there ever be no goodbyes Between you and I**** well today sucked i found out fuzz didnt go to rehab well its nice to know he cares :( no big surprise i mean guys only want a piece of ass what guy doesnt if there is one out there i would like to meet him :( so i think im just goin to be selabet for now on even kris doesnt like me thats just great i thought he did but whatever why would anyone im interested in like me! and tim that scum bag he fuckin sittin there you liar and all this shit he sent me perverted emails its not my fault his grl found out you know well whatever fuck this shit im out! Mood: rejected Music: lynrd skynrd-sweet home alabama

	2001.12.11  11.46 ~~>ok i dont know what to think anymore fuzz is fucked up why did he lie to me that asshole! he did fuck rachey's mom what a scumbag i hope he calls me so i can bitch at him a whole lot! i dont know what to think anymore i shouldve never left on saturday man that was sooo stupid but whatever i dont care! but that just hurts you know i really like him i feel like such a scumbag i dont understand why guys are like that man that shit is fucked up! and why do your friends always seem to be the ones that dick you over! that shit is fucked up to man i dont care its not worth it i cant trust anyone anymore it seems everyone is so flippin shady! fuck em all and the good ones twice as farren would say! lol peace out man Mood: crushed Music: madonna~**like a virgin**~

	2001.12.10  10.53 isnt it just so funny when your own friend some one you think you can trust goes behind your back and tells everyone your secrets you know those secrets you dont want anyone to know and they tell everyone they possibly can yea well all i know is i got quite a few good hits on that fucking cunt! summer natress that bitch shes lucky i didnt knock her teeth straight out of her mouth! lets all get really mad because i leave for a night and dont tell anyone yea i know i shouldnt have left but i did and i dont care i have never felt so good in my entire life!! to just have some one hold you and tell you your awesome and the best all night and all day long i cant help how i feel about fuzz i really do like him alot and i really am going to miss him a whole mothafuckin lot while hes gone he made me feel like a person and not just a dumb grl who he wants ass from he told me im more than that to him i cant help that i hang with a different crew im just tryin to find out were i fit in at you know im tryin to find out who i am and i dont need everyone around me to tell me all the choices i make in life are wrong why cant they just let me figure it out myself i dont need someone to tell me my right from wrong im a big girl its not like i ever had someone in my life to teach me any values or morals even but i think i got it im responsible just cuZ you have sex with someone it makes you a slut well then im a slut i guess and i dont care all i know is how i feel and everyday that i wake up i want to feel fuzz next to me <3 no matter what anyone says i am me and there is absolutely not fuckin shit anyone could do about it!! so "fuck it all fuck this world fuck everything that you stand for i dont belong dont exist i dont give a shit so dont ever judge me!!":::slipknot::: i guess this would be it later ill holla back viva la punk rock!! Mood: cold Music: death by stereo!

	2001.12.08  16.38 well back to my previous entry im so i dont know i kinda wish that i could be with some one like fuzz he kinda seems like the perfect male speciman i mean hes sooo nice to me unless hes drinking thwn he is just an assanine bastard heheh but farren said to me would you go out with fuzzz and ive been thinking about it and i really think i would i dont want him to go to rehab hes goin to be gone for 6 months i wish that was different i just hate being alone i want some one to just hold me and make me smile like he does. i wish that could just change and i could be with him but whatever last night probably didnt even matter to him like it matters to me i dont know what to think except i want some one not necessarily a boyfriend but someone who will be there for me physically and mentally so actually i guess that is a boyfriend hahah but maybe one day i will find some one for me it just seemed almost perfect except when my dad walked down stairs in the middle of our little freakiness that was goin on heheh but he didnt see anything thank god!!! he would of bugged i dont know how i feel happy sad i just kind of feel you know but who knows maybe tonight will work out good omigod fuzz is such a good kisser and he has like the nicest mouth i just want to grab him and kiss him like all the time!! hehe but whatever maybe there will be a little sutum sutum that will happen tonight!! i could only wish!! well till that moment comes wish me luck journal!! :::good luck niki::: ill hit this shit back aftter the party!!! peace and chicken grease!! **niki** Mood: dorky Music: wish you were here **incubus**

	2001.12.08  14.03 yea im sooo bored :p well last night proved to be interesting well as usual farren went to sleep early and matt dicked us over big surprise and i chilled with fuzz like the whole night!! ::::hes sooooo hott!!!:::: he was so nice to me he probably just wanted booty but he didnt get it so ha! but we just were like making out and stuff :) heheh i had alot of fun last night i really really really like him like a whole lot it sucks i wish he didnt have to go to rehab for like 6 months but whatever i cant wait till tonight hopefully fuzz will come over tonight hes soooooo cute!! hehe Mood: crazy Music: **dropkick murphys** skinhead on the mbta**

	2001.12.08  01.12 well hmmmm..... my brother sux man he was supposed to get me some trips and the fucker didnt i hate that shit why do ppl say one thing and do the total opposite fuzz is here hes flippin drunk and hes really hott and he just told me he thought i was "cute" so i dont know but farren is bein all weird and shit it seems like she doesnt want to chill with me or sutum fran is an assanine bastard as always i dont know why she chills with kalnas *bitch tits* and elisa shes a real winner that shit pisses me of i dont knkow why she chills with them but whatever i dont care peace and hair grease!!! Mood: calm Music: jimmy eat world****sweetness****

	2001.12.06  17.04 ~~**goodbye to you**~~ **of all the things ive believed in i just wanted to get it over with tears from behind my eyes but i do not cry counting the days that pass me by ive been searching deep down inside my soul words that im hearing are starting to get old it feels like im starting all over again the last three years were just pretend and i said, goodbye to you goodbye to everything i thought i knew you were the one i loved the one thing i tried to hold on to i still get lost in your eyes and it seems that i cant live a day without you closing my eyes and you chase my thoughts away to a place where i am blinded by the light but its not right and i said, goobye to you goodbye to everything i thought i knew you were the one i loved the one thing i tried to hold on to and it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time i want whats yours and i want whats mine i want you but im not giving in this time and i said, goodbye to you goodbye to everything that i knew you were the one i loved the one thing i tried to hold on to the one thing i tried to hold on to and when the stars fall i will lie awake your my shooting star Mood: creative Music: myself writing a song

	2001.11.30  07.39 hmmm....well today should show to be interesting wow do i love getting dissed by my bf to hang out with homer bcuz hes a real winner!! dont you know! man my mom is such an asshole!! what a fuck up shes so stupid and i swear if i have to watch my litl brother one more day im goin to bug the fuck out!!!o man i cant wait till tonight hopefully i roll and that will be nice i just wish i could get in touch with jay!! hes soooo hot <3jay<3 heheh maybe one day after him and rachel are done!! heh heh well till then im out ill hit this shit back lata **NIKI*** Mood: contemplative Music: i wish i was a litl bit taller-skeelo **the short guy**

	2001.11.28  22.48 why do i always get the bad end of the stick!! i just wish that jay would break up with that dumb grl and go out with me!! she treats him like shit and i would treat him so good!! i dont understand why this shit always happens everytime. maybe i should become a nun i mean no i just want something i cant have go figure thats a big surprise huh? maybe one day i wont be so scared to talk to him and just tell him!! but till that day comes i will just sit in the corner and chew my hair!! Mood: crappy Music: wish you were here- pink floyd

	2001.11.25  22.14 i think i should kill myself Mood: melancholy Music: dwarve invasion-reggie and the full effects

	2001.11.25  14.15 ~~last night was so intense!!! i swear i never felt so good in my entire life!! i rolled last night and went to cocacola mountain thats a cliff in easton that you can see all the lights in the city its absolutely beautiful all the colors are so rad!! it was so amazing walking over the tressels rollin face and this train goes speeding by i was 2 feet away from the train it felt so awesome the wind blowing by me i felt like i was flying with jay next to me he is such a sweetheart rachel is sooo lucky to have a boyfriend like him!! he is the nicest guy in the world i cant wait to chill with him again!! hes totally rockin and he is so hott i think that if i was only pretty i would have a chance!! haha its all good! but man lastnight was the best night of my life! i saw farren last night and she was totally wierd she gave me an attitude cuz i was rollin and she wasnt so i bought her a pill!! damn grls!! Mood: cheerful Music: def leopard-pour some sugar on me

	2001.11.16  21.42 ~~**wish you were here**~~ So, So you think you can tell Heaven from Hell Blue skys from pain Can you tell a green field From a cold steel rail? A smile from a veil? Do you think you can tell? And did they get you to trade Your heroes for ghosts? Hot ashes for trees? Hot air for a cool breeze? Aold comfort for chains? And did you exchange? A walk on part in the war For a lead role in a cage? How i wish, How i wish you were here Were just two lost souls Swimming in a fishbowl Year after Year Running over the same old ground What have we found? Whe same old fears Wish you were here

	2001.08.25  01.29 life is spiffy well tonight was full of interesting events well not really......it was kinda funny me and summer and francesca decided to dare ryan to jump over this garbage can that this phsco guy put down cuz he has an odd fetish with digging ditches in his sidewlk area whatever....and well ryan jumped over it and fell in the ditch and smashed his head against the curb!!tee hee and tomorrow i will be pierced finally my lip will be done yes thank you world my dad is goin to flip on me but i dont care hell get over it i guess i kinda like falv but i dont know i cant ever do that to farren i love her shes my best friend ever next to my darlin sister haha and that would probably ruin our friendship and i dont think i could do that to her my whole life just seems fucked up my mom is fuckin a wreck all the time!! i cant stand this family i live with anymore my dad is just fuckin uptight and needs to let go of his 17 year old daughter and let her live her own life ::that would be me:: one day he will understand i know he will!! i love my parents and everything just there fucked up in head man!! otherwise life is good i go back to shitty easton area highschool soon that place sucks i need to get the fuck out of that school really soon!! well im out ill hit this shit back lata **the one and only** ~~>niki Mood: high Music: the descendents

	2001.08.22  21.19 I LOVE TO SMOKE WEED!! yea so im just sittin here listening to 112 which is not really what i want to hear so i changed it im chillin with maritza i <3 her shes cool like whoa!! im so happy me and tj are ok now were actually friends this is cool even though i wish we were more than just friends i still love him that scum bag hahah well just figure id gove my journal a holla!! hhahahh im so funny *niki* i felt like writing my name hahah maritza seys HHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAA!! ok bye Mood: lethargic Music: ALICE DEEJAY~BETTER OFF ALONE

	2001.08.18  17.00 ::my mom and dad eat ass:: well the past couple of weeks have been very fuckin fucked up and yea i guess i dont help the situation either last night i tried to do the nice thing for my sis and throw her a birthday party and all she did was argue with me the whole goddamn night and the i bounced because she had to start shit with them becuz they are all supposedly rascist fuck that no one said anything about fuckin rascism and that really pissed jay b and bj and elvis off like mad much so they wanted to bounce and i did mean while my dad had told me not to and now im on punishment becuz i bounced all night and shit so yea that sucks so im very happy i managed to piss them off even more cant wait till i come home with a pierced lip hahahh then what ha and i drop out of school man fuckin school is bullshit so im just goin to get my ged and fuckin become mechanic and shit so yea what now america im in control of your brakes ill kill you hahah yea alright im out Mood: accomplished Music: clarence carter-stroke it::::long and dirty version:::::